The TARDIS Diaries
by Khapitan
Summary: Random diary entries from the ship we love so much... "I deserve respect! I'm a TARDIS! I have feelings! True, they may be somewhat distorted so I get a bit giggly every time I land in a forest, but feelings none the less!"
1. Rose to Fathers Day

Yello!  
This is a new idea I had. It's supposed to be light hearted and all that. Just... let me know if this is a good idea and I should continue.

Otherwise, enjoy it

* * *

The TARDIS Diaries

Day 5558083:  
Been around 6833 days since Time War ended. Doctor still moping despite taking him on a detour to November 22 1963 to see Kennedy. Forgot it was then that he was assassinated. In hindsight, probably not a good move. Now Doctor has locked himself in bathroom 83 and refuses to come out.

Day 5558086:  
Am sick of this, Doctor needs some company. Have tried on multiple occasions to engage him in conversation, yet he seems to assume its just excess gas. My wiring was fiddled with today. Not sure what he was trying to fix, but I now have an odd craving for lemon porridge.

Day 5558091:  
Am bored and sick of depressed Doctor. Have decided I will find someone for the moping Time Lord, so will create a fake emergency signal and whisk him off to Earth. Seems like the obvious choice, most companions come from there.

Day 5558092:  
On Earth. Doctor has wandered off somewhere. Am wondering what he's up to, but don't really care that much.

Day 5558094:  
Doctor's been gone for two days now. It's endearing how he becomes so obsessed with small enigmas and aliens that I make up. Am keeping myself amused by playing Tetris, which is by far the easiest game as I can see all of time, so know which pieces are coming. Maybe it appeals as name is similar to mine.

Day 5558095:  
Doctor has returned. Turns out, there is a giant invasion of the Nestines. Who'd have thought it? Was assuming he spent two days finding it, but caught a glimpse of a blond haired girl before I disappeared. Trying hard not to let my huge expanse of imagination run off on a whim. Dirty Time Lord Minx.

Day 5558097:  
Doctor told me to follow Nestine signal back on Earth, but was sulking over blond, so took him to the bow of Titanic in 1912. Didn't know it was about to sink. My bad.

Day 5558110:  
Appeared in the back alley of some random restaurant (right time and everything, but do I get any thanks?) Doctor disappears, then reappears, promptly followed by blond.

Was about to sulk – but realized is much harder for ship to do, as would be hard to lock myself in my own toilet… temporal nightmare… changed my mind anyway when she appeared. First thing she did was turn tail and scarper outside again. Then she started crying, before yelling at Doctor for apparently melting her boyfriends head. Will never understand humans.

Follow signal, arrive somewhere new, don't get thanked as little love birds run off… Was contemplating beginning a new Tetris game but decided to eject all the hot water from my systems so that Doctor will get a shock next time he decided to wash.

I randomly get hauled off by some Autons with severe fashion sense. Will never understand humans OR their choice of clothing.

Can not believe I ever felt threatened by her. She is like other humans. Mostly harmless. Already appears to have more sense than Doctor. Rather handy, but only when large chain is hanging from a ceiling.

Day 5558111:  
Little blond girl coming along. Can't complain if it'll stop Doctor moping and locking self in random toilets each time something bad happens.

Wishing fervently that Doctor had thought of locating some lemons and porridge when on Earth. Craving is persistent.

Day 5558128:  
Feel rather strange… large parts of my wiring have been removed by Doctor. Closest analogy would be something along the lines of eating 12 laxative tablets and spending remaining day clamped onto toilet. Hoping he knows what he is doing…

Day 5558132:  
Have spent last few days ferrying Doctor and blondy around. She's ok, seems to at least have sensitive side. If only Doctor would look into her mind, and understand poor child's body being hormone central.

Love is so tedious.

Day 5558133:  
Been to future – some cretin attempted to frazzle me. Been to past – was snowing (unsure if this was attempt to freeze me, but highly doubt it as Earth ecosystem is not that advanced) Went back to blond girls Earth home some little cretin decided to scribble on me. Am certain this was not attempt on life but is still bloody annoying. Imagine waking up after a bad night and finding huge tattoo… Don't care much for bad wolf. Whole scenario is wearisome and below my notice. At least until it happens in a month or two.

Blond got given key, so have decided to accept her. Will reinstall data.

error+++  
+file data 4.5673 located#//  
-message: delete??  
+++redo from start++  
//apple.7++  
# Name: Rose Tyler  
telekinetic)) psychic residual#  
#brainwaves attached. ?  
++data received++  
Rose Tyler initiated  
++out of cheese error++  
++redo from start++

Day 5558134:  
Felt some signal and presence of advance technology.Doctor comes back for a visit and we buggered off without Rose. Am confused. Should newly installed data be deleted?

Arrived in some storage room. Must I always remain in the role of "object to be used when needed"? Sometimes feel Doctor sees me in the same was as he may a stapler. Am also concerned that favoritism is being developed for the Sonic Screwdriver. Maybe because it is pocket accessible… feel scandalized as is not my fault I am stuck as police box.

I sometimes wake up at night fearing that this shape makes me look fat… if not rather square. I tell myself I am beyond paranoia. But unfortunately, I don't trust what I say.

Arrive back from cupboard to find myself filled with Rose and family. Unhappy about mounting domestically, but was happy when Doctor told them to bugger off. All is forgiven for choosing a screwdriver over a living ship.

Everyone leaves, am left on my own to complete my extensive gave of solitare that consists of 6 decks of cards. Is less tedious than Tetris, despite my fondness of name.

Day 5558136:  
Am very unhappy.

New human is with us… immediate impression: weasel. He seems unable to comprehend present situation.  
Will try to abandon him at first possible chance.

Additional: I hate Daleks.

Day 5558137:  
Current mood: vexed.

Some large gelatinous blob attempted to crack Doctor and Rose to gain access to my infinite and most brilliant knowledge – Am not vain, am simply pointing out fact. Irritating weasel-boy nearly gives everything away with his silly head-hole. Was not happy.

Triumphant that he was left on Earth, am hoping he will be forced to join some form of circus where people can point and laugh at him and his hole. No sexual innuendo intended.

In other news, I recently discovered that I have a 7 acre meadow that has been steadily growing inside of me somewhere around zone 87395. Is quite nice.

Day 5558093:  
Why, of all the life forms in time and space, would the Doctor have a preference for humans? He seems to go through mood swings with them – hate them, love them – like they bring on a PMT attack. Will never understand.

Rose and Doctor moody and depressed, yet seem to have closer bond than usual. Put it down to silly humans and their emotional attachments to parents. Apparently seeing the death of loved one hurts. Who'd have thought it? Me and Doctor saw home planet destroyed – bit worse than lovingly saying goodbye to father who has only been in life for a few hours. Doctor does not appear to have this view. Will put it down to his selfless brilliance… and the fact that he only ever shows his true emotions when on his own and sulking in various urinals.

Was temporarily erased from existence which really put a dampener on my whole day. Resigning myself to sulking.

* * *

Well? Should I continue beyond "Fathers Day" or just give up on this ludicrous idea and go sulk in a toilet somewhere? 


	2. Empty Child to Children in Need

Here's part 2 which goes to the end of the ninth Doctor and the Children in Need special...

On Day 5558097, I am describing the story that Jack tells to Mickey, Rose and the Doctor at the beginning of Boom Town - in case you didn't know.

Enjoy!

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Day 5558094:  
Spent the whole day carrying people around. Intensely boring.

Day 5558095:  
I feel violated…

My insides are dirty – and not in the kinky, sexual way either. It feels so bad that I am considering appearing on Yeauta7 in attempt to clean myself (planet is made entirely of soap)

Anyway…Followed little flashing mauve light - Doctor appears to have some fascination in scenarios that are most likely to wound or kill. Appeared in 1941 and was mentally assaulted by small child in a gas mask.

I am a TARDIS! I am brilliant and have the largest psychic network EVER! No mere human child should be able to break _my_ defenses…! But silly child does and rings me. And then… THEN, silly Doctor blames _me _for making a noise! Does he think I don't know that my silly phone isn't a real one?! I KNOW it isn't!

And after that, the Doctor buggers off to places unknown, leaving me to comfort myself against shock… And after THAT someone drops a bomb on me!… All because some person was hanging 700 feet above me wearing a union jack – silly idiot.

The bomb didn't affect me of course, but it still managed to be most vexing. Have come to the conclusion that life isn't fair… and may end up resigning myself to absorbing room 6 back into my systems – it's full of chocolate.

Day 5558095:  
I'm so brilliant; I amaze myself on a regular basis.  
Only something with my superior intellect would be able to create a temporal spatio link to a Time Agents ship whilst it was traveling through space.

Doctor took all the credit of course, will have revenge later when I compress the atoms of his bed into rock hard fossil like substance while he sleeps.

Day 5558096:  
Life is not that bad.

Was briefly kicked by Doctor when he woke up with severe back ache, but it's hardly my fault if he must be so arrogant and take credit for everything.

More importantly, there's a new boy with us. Captain Jack. On comparing him to weasel-boy… well, there is no comparison. He gets on well with Rose and Doctor, and is clever which makes a nice change, and doesn't go fainting every time he's taken somewhere slightly out of him comfort zone.

The best thing is he spends a lot of time fixing me. Is like getting sensual massage from very attractive masseuse…

Day 5558097  
Landed on a weird planet full of perfectly normal looking humans, except that they're evolved from elephants… so have white tusks.

Doctor, Rose and Jack all wander off and I'm left to my extensive Tetris game… others came back after a few hours in rather a hurry. Have discovered that Jack got friendly with one of the elephant people and mistook his tusk for… something else.

Am quite jealous, but it would make hilarious story.

Day 5558099  
Ah…I think I'm smitten…

Took some while for me to realize this as it's difficult for a giant blue, wooden ship to get ones head around complex human emotions.

…..

…..

…..

Would a Boeshannian ever go for a police box?

…..

…..

Not exactly the most compatible relationship, but he does appear to go for anything that moves. Still, am quite curios as to how we would… communicate. More time must be spent taking this problem into consideration.

Day 55580100:  
Just got shouted at when chocolate room was discovered empty.  
Stupid lousy Time Lord git. Can't he learn to control cravings?  
Now we are marooned in space while Jack tries to persuade him to get out of bathroom.

Day 5558105:  
HA! I feel SO good!  
I'm on the rift and I am FIRED up!!!!

Day 5558106:  
Hmmm… rather an interesting day.

Okay, that's putting it really, _really _lightly… it was _horrible_

Idiot Mickey turns up, but then he left so I was less annoyed. Silly Sletheen alien woman was hanging around again, and they brought her into me! How dare they?! I didn't want her smelly gaseous tendencies drifting along my hallways! But no one listens to me so I amused myself by watching World War 2 again –well I can see all of time and space.

But then stupid Slitheen tried to blow things up… had a stupid Tribophysical Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator, and stupid Jack attached it to me, and it opened the stupid rift, so I gained a stupidly stupid amount of power and nearly blew up… kinda put a damper on my day really…

That seems to happen a lot.

Anyway, was fine, and I bit back and made stupid Slitheen look into my vortex and reduced her to an egg. Yeah, I RULE!

Day 5558108:  
……. Uhhh…. Um…uh.  
Everything has changed… am uncertain weather it is good or not. Or what the consequences of what has happened will be…

Someone used a temporal scoop and took Doctor, Jack and Rose away… I was left to drift but was collected by unknown people and put in storage room. Insufficient data at this point, but next thing I know, Jack in inside me and in making calculations for a transmit devise… from reading Captains bio readings and heightened stress levels, was assumed that something had happened to Rose.

Was not happy.

Then Doctor and Jack arrive and we go to other end of the universe to get Rose back. Was a little more than intense… gathered from Doctor that Daleks were still at large. Momentarily worried that he may go and lock himself in bathroom again, but obviously situation was much more serious than that.

Ha! Silly Daleks tried to kill me…! Doesn't sound funny, but when you have a Tribophysical Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator attached to your systems, there's nothing much that anyone can do to you. Basically, I rule… again!

Arrived on Dalek ship, ONTOP of Rose (oh yeah, I'm good) and they tried to shoot Doctor… silly, silly, silly! Did they not think I would protect him!

So Daleks have been building giant fleet… not good… is like the Time War over again and Doctor does not deserve that. Doesn't deserve to loose those he cares about, so he sent Rose home in me…

Did not want to leave him.

………….

………….

………….

………….

………….

Oh… and he told Rose to just let me die! How DARE he! But… at the time it did not seem important, would be hard to continue without Doctor. TARDIS and Time Lord go together like raw sewage and disease.

So was left on Earth. I knew my duty and had fulfilled it – was satisfied to just while away my days with Tetris and Solitaire, but Noooooo! Rose had to be stubborn! She went and got giant chain and big yellow truck and… well… opened me.

Not as dirty as it sounds!

But a little embarrassing.

Not just because I let a puny human get the better of me, but because I deliberately let her… I wanted to go to the Doctor just as much as her. I intentionally disobeyed his orders…

Bad Wolf was created.

The power of the time vortex, of the universe, condensed inside a tiny and insignificant female human. I granted her the power of a god, and don't regret it for one second.

Unsure of what she did – her human consciousness was dominant within her mind as I did not want to compress her… it was inevitable, but was hoping to slow the process. Have vague memories of destroying the Dalek fleet, bringing someone to life… I know that bit went wrong…

Doctor saved Rose - was not strange being a part of him, we have been connected for over 1000 years anyway – then I was retuned to my normal state.

Had to leave Jack. He is… wrong. So, so, so wrong… like ketchup on a kitkat (trust me on that one)

Things went from bad to worse. My power damaged the Doctor to far beyond normal repair, and he was forced to regenerate… am quite used to it but it came as a bit of a shock, especially for Rose…

New Doctor was… hyper active. Time Lords all look the same to me anyway, but I could tell it was him, he had the same psychic wave length. Have learned not to judge forst impression of Doctor, he is often unstable… so we shall see what –

Oh god… why did he just press that button??  
What was he think– ah, ah, wait…  
Oh dear… ah, ah! AHHHHH!!

'_Here we go… Christmas eve…' _

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_Ta-da! Hope you enjoyed, next chapter will be up soon... hopefully  
Comments and reviews are always appreciated _


	3. Christmas Invation to Age of Steel

_Yep, more crazy comments from that blue box which we love so much!  
This section covers from the Christmas Invasion to The Age of Steel._

_Comments are always appreciated, thanks! _

* * *

**Day 55581013:**

He bleeding crashed me!!

In to a bleeding wall!

And another bleeding wall!

And a bleeding car!

And some bleeding dustbins!

Can you tell that I'm a little upset?!?

Just because I am infinitely brilliant in every possible way does _not _mean that he can treat me as the large lump of wood I'm disguised as! I have feelings...! True… they may be somewhat distorted so that I get a bit giggly every time that I land in a forest, but feelings none the less!

Seriously, I had real doubts whether I would like this new incarnation. But then, well, then he collapsed, and I felt it. I mean, not just sensing it, I _felt_ it. As if it was me who was suffering. Not pleasant let me tell you.

Then Rose and the other domestic Homo sapiens went and took him away. I think they were trying to help, either that or they wanted to sacrifice him to their god and then eat him, but as far as I know the human race grew out of that by 2007

They shouldn't have taken him away though… the Doctor's regenerative cycle means that he needs to be in close contact with me in order to help the healing process. But to silly humans know that? No, of course not.

So, once again, I'm left on my own to entertain my bottomless well of knowledge with silly trivial games of dominos (Tetris is to fantastic to be referred to as trivial) And next thing I know there's a giant Sycorax ship over London!

Nice…

Then Rose and Doctor and others come back, and sit in me and try to fiddle with my controls. If they had half a brain then I would have been able to tell them exactly what was wrong with the Doctor, and what was happening, and how to stop it all. But no one ever asks me!

And THEN, I'm teleported away up onto the ship. It really irks me that lesser beings think they can just bundle me about, I mean, I could have just overridden the teleport controls but… well, I'm just… far too lazy.

But it was all okay in the end; Doctor woke up and stopped it all. I like new Doctor; he's like an extremely clever, excitable yet very evil little child. I see fun times ahead.

**Day 55581015:**

I'm BOOOOORED!

I know that the Doctor maybe needed a bit of time to recover… and Rose probably wanted to see her family for a bit, and they needed to get over the shock of the Sycorax since their puny human minds find it hard to deal with such things, but still…. I'm bored!

It's been 2 days and I'm still sitting here in this parking lot… I want to go! Oh good god, I hope the Doctor hasn't turned domestic…

**Day 55581016:**

No, its okay, crisis averted, we're off.

…. Hey, New Earth! That's nice… apart from the fact that I've been left on a hillside overlooking the city while the Doctor and Rose and off gallivanting about somewhere… probably canoodaling as well I shouldn't think. Typical!

Oh… and HA for when they finally find out about the Face of Boe!

**Day 55581017:**

The Doctor's playing that annoying song again… what is it with his odd fascination with humans and their appalling tastes in what they like to call music?? I'm so annoyed that I'm going to take him to the wrong century. Ha!

**Day 55581018:**

… I'm a little confused… Right, the Doctor and Rose are back but before that I got left on my own _again_. It doesn't even matter if a drop them off in the wrong point in time and space, they still always manage to go off and have a good time without me!

And don't try telling me that running away from a Lupine Wavelength Haemavoriform isn't exactly a walk in the park… its better than sitting on a hill for a day and a half!

Anyway, I think silly human mind is affecting the Doctor. He came back giggling and laughing before starting to howl away.

Odd, odd time lord.

**Day 55581019:**

NO!

**Day 55581020:**

NOO!

**Day 55581021:**

Bloody NO!

**Day 55581022:**

Okay, so I might sound like a spoiled and annoying child, but I really _really _don't want to go back to Earth…I'll just get left in a car park again! It to so long for me to get outta there and now they want me to go back?? No way. And there's no point in Rose trying to sweet talk me, or the Doctor trying to talk to me via sweets (don't ask)

I. Don't. Want. To. Go!

Does he even understand about the incessant boredom that creeps upon me every time I land on that wretched planet? Alright, they invented Tetris, and I will love them forever for it…. And I suppose it is a sort of new home for me and the Doctor since he went and blew up our old one, but, but… but…

Ah! Fine! I'll bleeding take them to Earth then!

**Day 55581023:**

So, traced the phone call of Rose's phone to silly human boyfriend, landed all gently and neat for them, and then was left for 3 days all on my own.

I don't know why I bother.

Oh! And then something amazing happened… I was moved a quarter of a mile east, landed in a school basement, and then was left for 3 days all on my own.

And then (this is where it actually gets good) Sarah-Jane appeared, the Doctor followed her, she paid no attention to me and wandered off again with him! And then I was left for a further day all on my own.

That was about it really… apart from when some cretin decided to blow the school up while I was still in it.

Silly idiots…

They could've asked me about it all. I already KNOW the Skasis paradigm!  
Heh, I could rule the universe if I wanted to! But what's the point? I've already seen how it ends and it's bleak, and depressing, and they haven't even discovered the meaning of life… which I also know.

God, I'm just too good.

But anyway, it was nice to have Sarah back, even if it was for a bit… oh, and while the Doctor was fixing K9 (stupid, loyal dog) I absorbed all the data he had collected about Earth. Not that I needed it, but it's useful to know about little human traits… like their obsession with money and the fact that they paint their fingernails in funny colours…

What's all that about then?!

Ah well, goodbye to Sarah and hello to Rose's little ape friend with the low IQ… Mickey…

I think the Doctor just wanted a new pet really.

**Day 55581024:**

Oh, god it's depressing...

But before that, I was in a good mood for once! I'm so glad Mickey came… he's like a 24hour comedy outlet! He's so foolish in everything he does… basically, he got lost and then fell into the swimming pool!

Ha!

Right… back to the depressing stuff. And I care, I really do. I know it seems I'm a tad dismissive of it all, but the Doctor was hurting. And I felt it.

Landed in this huge ship where the droids had lovingly decided to butcher the whole crew in an attempt to fix it, and then decided to to stalk a French woman. Sounds a bit creepy ey? Anyway, silly Doctor goes and gets himself involved and silly human emotions take over. Oh yep, he was smitten.

So Rose and Mickey go gallivanting off on dangerous ship where they are sure to die, Doctor goes gallivanting off into dangerous past where he could become trapped, then Doctor comes back, and goes gallivanting off on dangerous ship where he is sure to die.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

Oh! And guess what! This is the best bit… I got left on my own! Hmmm, this is odd. I never used to care about being left, it is, after all my job. I think I have picked up new Doctor's hyper activeness.

Damn.

I suppose I shall just have to find a way of amusing myself. May take up emu farming. I bet there's a room somewhere in me that the Doctor will never find… Or I could just play Tetris again.

Anyway, back on topic, the Doctor nearly went and got trapped in France, all because of a silly crush. That's the thing, he gets love. Easy. No problem. But its these new human emotions that he's getting trouble with… can't differentiate between a crush and love. I blame the Time War.

Stupid Time War.

But its okay, Doctor came back. But he was sad, so sad, since he missed seeing his French friend again before she died. And of course he wont just hop in me and go to her. Noooo that would be a paradox and we don't want that.

Honestly, in the old days he would have done it anyway, but I suppose… no Time Lords no stable reality anymore. Can just keep crossing time lines willy nilly.

Jeez. Why am I being so remorse and reflective? Oh, right. I'm picking up on the Doctor's emotions. Wow. Thanks Doctor, now not only am I bored silly cause of you hyper activeness, I'm now also pensive and depressed. Great.

**Day 55581026:**

Ha! Okay, I'm much happier now! Silly silly Mickey! He's been holding down that button for 29.7843 minutes! It only needed to be pressed for 7/8th of a second!

And yes, I find things much more amusing when there's high amounts of physics or complicated numbers involved.

So anyway…

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

………………….

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

Systems failing…

MALFUNCTION!!!!!

MALFUNCTION!!!!!

………………………………..

Beep!

* * *

_And, on that rather dramatic note, its time to leave the TARDIS since it's technically now dead for a while. But rest assured, she will be retuning!!! _

_Like it? Hate it? Let me know! _


End file.
